The first 3/4 of this post is BS. Skip the sizzle, get to the bacon.

My purpose?  In life, for this blog, for breathing on a daily basis?  My reason d’etre?  JOY.  THIS is posted in my office, around my office, and on the main page of this website.

Laura Marie Hall is in the world in order to bring joy to humanity (including myself) through holistic living, awakening the spirit, building relationships, facilitating change and breaking molds.  I am here to BRING JOY for the benefit of myself, my family, my community, and the world.

Yeah, how’s that working out for ya?  This week has not been joyous.  Or has it?  It has not been fun, it has not been easy, there have been tears, tummy aches, sleepless nights, and many many deleted blog posts.   But what about the JOY.

Joy is about who you are.  Happiness and fun are about what you do, but let me repeat, JOY is about who you are.  Who am I, or who was I this week?

I was honest.  I may not have expressed myself well, or in the correct forums, but I really tried to be honest.  To look at MYSELF and how I was fucked up in my thinking and expectations.

I tried something new.  Again, I fell flat on my face, but I tried.  And after yesterday’s blog debacle, I wanted to just quit.  Seriously throw in the towel, tap the mat, ring the bell QUIT.  I had hurt those I love, I had pissed off some people I don’t love, and I was just receiving a lot of pushback.  I’m not good with pushback.  If I’m going to continue on with my plans for the future, I’m going to have to grow a thicker skin.

When I was a kid, and something would get my nose out of joint, my Grandpa “Gus” Gold would say, “Well, sound’s like it’s time to put on your elephant hide.”  Meaning, toughen up, grow up, get over it.  I struggle with finding balance between being sensitive and seeking to understand those around me, and just letting things bounce off of my elephant hide.

I want everyone to LOVE me.  And that’s just not going to happen.  So, I return to my list.  These are the people who matter.  Funny a few days ago, when I made the list, I was thinking primarily of how these people would benefit and support ME.  (all about the me)  Today, I’m thinking a bit more about how my actions can benefit them.  So when they are hurt by my actions, then those actions are in need of review.  no guarantees, but I’ll look into the matter.

For those who are NOT on the list, I will not intentionally cause pain, but my honesty is my own.  I have had the audacity to call out some MEN on this site.  To put words to how I really feel and think.  And the response has been interesting to say the least.  Lengthy and accusatory texts, NO texts, complete radio silence and withdrawal from my world.  This behavior has given me pause.

  1.  maybe I don’t communicate (which includes listening for understanding AND expression) as well as I’d like to believe
  2. perhaps those Y chromosomes I’ve chosen to spend time with have very little ability to look within.  Much easier to point fingers and tear down.  My choices speak volumes about my OWN insides.

OK, let’s skip the sizzle and get to the bacon.  I’m dancing around all this shit because yesterday I really hurt my daughter.  I’ve taken down the post and put it back up, repeatedly, but that’s kind of like shutting the barn door after the cows are out.  Hurting her was OF COURSE NOT THE INTENTION, but it was the result.

I am not graceful with words or expression.  So again, even though I thought I was expressing the fact that I was a selfish shit head of a mom, what came across was that I don’t find my kids to be supportive.

My children, especially my daughter, are incredibly supportive.  LIKE, amazingly and unconditionally so.  My point was, and remains,

I put unrealistic, unhealthy, and unfair burdens and expectations upon my children, especially my daughter, and it was selfish, shitty, and just wrong of me.

That is not joyous.

WHEW.  The first 3/4 of this post are pretty much the worthless crap that I spew when I’m writing out of fear.

Why does this matter?  Maybe it doesn’t.

Why do you care?  Maybe you don’t.  But you’ve spent a few minutes of your precious time to get this far.  WHY?  Ask it three times.  WHY?

WHY? Are you reading just to be nosy and judgmental?  My sex and relationship posts blow all other posts out of the water as far as numbers/visits/views.

WHY?  Are you reading so you can point a finger and say, I KNEW Big Laura was a disaster.  She comes off as so “together” but in reality, she’s just a huge mess.  Well duh, I could have saved you some time.

WHY?  Are you reading to understand?

WHY?  Are you reading because somehow this content improves your existence?  Causes you to look inside and evoke some sort of action?

I don’t know WHY.  I just know the numbers.  And they are telling.

Light, Love, and Logistics,

Big Laurabacon

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