Fear and Loathing in Fort Worth

Since beginning this site last week, I’ve been slipping back into old, damaging, and somewhat toxic behaviors.  Over-consuming:  food, things, social media are a few items that have been used excessively.  Desiring and seeking approval and validation from people who are NOT on my list.

So…why?  Functional medicine looks at WHY you have illness and disease, not just the disease itself.  My problem is NOT the what, these are symptoms.  Why have I been damaging myself.

Fear?  I’m not going to lie, it’s scary putting myself out there.  And I know people are judging.  Not people who matter, but that can be somewhat difficult when there are negative messages coming my way.

LOVE ME.  We all want to be loved.  I am no exception.  If I am to continue this journey, my list is all that matters.  The Universe, myself, and sometimes my four people.

“The ability to know that your perceptions are accurate has to happen without others’ validation. Intuition is not the result of diet, rituals, or wind chimes. It’s the natural consequence of having self-esteem, the greatest power you can have. With self-esteem, your life can broaden into an adventure because you can know in your gut that you can handle the unknown. And you can handle helping others without fear, which is true liberation.”  —Caroline Myss

Caroline Myss is an author and healer.  I have been reading and listening to some of her work at the recommendation of a trusted friend.  For a “woo woo” type of profession and life path, this lady is pretty no nonsense, and has some thoughts and points that resonate with me.  She defined self-esteem as “spirit in action”.  Meaning, you listen to your authentic self, and go out and f*cking DO something about it.  Again, the theme of CHANGE needing both knowledge and action.

So, when someone tells me “don’t stray or fall back” in reference to my growth and changes, or someone tells me I should be keeping this “stuff private” or just argues with any of my thoughts (not discusses with an open mind, but just disagrees for the sake of disagreement, or out of fear of change, or just not wanting to turn the gaze inward)  I HAVE A CHOICE.  I can revert, and hurt myself.  Or I can move forward in JOY.  The past 36 hours have not been filled with joy.  Please see page one.  Joy is the mission, starting with me.

I don’t have a lot of confidence in much about myself.  That is growing, but obviously still shaky.  ONE thing I’m pretty clear about myself?  I have tenacity.  I fall down six times, and get up seven.  Or seven hundred…or seven thousand…you get the idea.  So, going to pick myself up, and maybe go a bit longer and further before my next face plant.

Going to face the 36 degree weather and walk, then come home and drink my tea, and do some things today that bring joy.  Not numbness or resistance to suffering…but JOY.

Care to join me?

Love and Light,

Big Laura

One thought on “Fear and Loathing in Fort Worth

  1. You Laura have been on my mind a lot as I feel change continuing to brew under the surface in my own mind. Even though I would like to concisely integrate new information that I take in and turn it into instant action, this is not my gift. When I experience something inspirational, I begin to dwell on it, and in two years time (with in which there are wild and crazy tangents) I start to live the inspiration. Putting knowledge and inspiration into action is a very slow road for me, and while I’ve surrounded my self with very patient people, my patience for myself runs thin and I bounce from extreme to extreme along the way. Your words ring so true to me and I’m thankful you are brave enough to speak them.


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